A friend today made a social media post that reminded me that past trauma can manifest itself as current illness. And often, doing the work to heal self of the trauma can improve illness and disease. It may not disappear, of course, but the awareness of the unresolved trauma we have stored is a healing mechanism.
Trauma doesn’t always look like physical assault or injury. It can also look like wounds from people executing control over you or disregarding and disrespecting boundaries.
I forgive myself for not having my own voice as someone forced me to hold hands while driving, telling me “you can do it, what if you were driving a stick shift”. I forgive myself for not insisting that my comfort and safety were more important than their need to be in control. I forgive myself for not stopping that car and putting them out. I truly do.
I grew up voiceless as many people in my era did: no backtalk, no “arguments”, and certainly none of that saying-what-I-want to anyone showing a stand of authority over me.
I was supposed to swallow down my objections. This led to comforting myself with food.
None of what happened to me made me get bitten by a deer tick and have Lyme disease, but my immunity and disposition came into play as my body fought off that bacteria from the tick and fought off other issues.
I see that now. And I’ve started doing the work to heal.